


Case File 09762

by GreatestDog, SingingWhileCrying



Series: Illegal Aliens [1]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Amethyst eats a social worker's van, Beach City, Child Protective Services, Connie kicks butt, Drama, Fluff, Fluffy Drama, Gen, Human OCs - Freeform, Lion freaks out some squares, Pearl gonna be all smart and stuff, Someones gonna DIE, Steven evades the police, What more can you want?, dey don screwed up, flamma, it gon be gud
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-08
Updated: 2016-11-30
Packaged: 2018-08-29 19:45:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,683
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8502961
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GreatestDog/pseuds/GreatestDog, https://archiveofourown.org/users/SingingWhileCrying/pseuds/SingingWhileCrying
Summary: After two social  workers find Steven home alone, without a birth certificate or any formal schooling, the Gems find themselves at odds with the United States government. 
Unfortunately, the Gems (and their allies) don't plan on letting Steven get taken away without a fight.
This is the story of "Case File 09762", or, as the Gems call it, "That time Amethyst ate a social worker's van."





	1. Bureaucracy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which we meet our nefarious, incredibly underpaid villains

“So you’re telling me that this kid has no birth certificate, no legal records, and he’s been home alone for a week?” I asked, my eyes wide.

“That’s the long and short of it,” Gwen replied as she looked down at her clipboard. “In addition, the tip says that he’s been living with three unknown women for quite some time now. Never had a case like this, that’s for sure. Whole thing is weird, Josh.”

I turned the keys, the van rattling to life. It was a plain, unmarked white van, its windows adorned with a dark tint.  If it weren’t for the beige ‘Family Services’ uniforms me and Gwen wore, nobody would’ve even known who we were. As it were, we were parked on a side street near Gwen’s house, in front of some random stranger’s home. And from the eyes peering from the closest house's windows, we hadn’t exactly gone unnoticed.

“So, are we going?”

“No, not yet.” said Gwen. “I gotta call management and figure out where this place is supposed to be. ‘Beach City’ I know. It’s in eastern Delmarva. On the beach. But this house address...the GPS doesn’t seem to be able to find it.”

Beach City? I’d never heard of it, but the name was so generic it was almost funny. “Well hurry up,” I said. “People are starting to look at us funny, and I don’t blame them.”

I listened as she called up our manager, and waited through the ensuing bureaucracy and bickering. After she got to our manager, I got to listen to the joyous sound of her screaming through the receiver loudly enough to deafen an elephant. After ten or so minutes, Gwen hung up the phone and reclined back in her seat, rubbing her temples.

“Get us to Beach City.” she said with a sigh.

“But...the address?”

“Don’t worry about it. We’ll figure it out.”  
I started to type ‘Beach City’ into the GPS, and I stared at the travel time. Two hours?

“Don’t they have a department closer than us?” I asked, already dreading the trip.  
Gwen shrugged. “It’s a little place. I don’t think they even have cops.” she said. “One of those little tourist towns. My sister went there once during spring break. Said it’s nice.”

“Ugh. Well, settle in. This is gonna be a long drive.”  
“Gladly.”

 

* * *

 

“Holy mother of-” I started. I threw my hand over and shook Gwen by the shoulder as I slammed on the brakes. Sand shot up in front of us as we came to a stop. “Gwen!”

She stirred slowly, her eyes slowly opening, settling on my face. “What.”

My eyes must’ve been extending out of their sockets. “Not me! LOOK!” I pointed out in front of us, and she gasped.

 

It was massive, possibly the biggest statue I’d ever seen. It looked hindu in origin, depicting a massive figure with more arms than I cared to count. Although it was cracked and broken, it was magnificent. A work of art the size of a mountain. And strangely enough, there was a house at the bottom of it.

“Wha-WHAT IS THAT?” Gwen shouted. “I’ve seen the satellite pictures of this city! There’s not a giant statue here!”

“Well then I guess they need to update their images, cause that is definitely a giant statue!”

Gwen looked out our window, glancing around in panic. “Wha-Where are we? Are we on the BEACH?”

I rolled my eyes. “There’s no road going to this house. Since you were asleep, I asked around 'bout the address. Dude at the donut shop just said it was around the side of the cliff. So I took us around the beach.”

“Donut shop?” Gwen stared.

“Yeah. Stopped and grabbed a few after we rolled into town. Want one?” I held up the brown paper bag full of donuts.  
“No!” She took a deep breath, and then pointed at the small house at the bottom of the statue. “Is that it? Are we here?”  
I nodded slowly. “Yeah, I think so. Go on up. See what’s going on.”

“No! This is nuts! I'm not gonna go up there, and...” she stopped suddenly, her eyes wide. “I just...this whole thing is really weird, okay? What if there’s some kinda crazy cult living here?”

“Are...are you asking me to go with you?” I raised an eyebrow, secretly pleased. Gwen NEVER let me come with her on a call. I mostly just drove, or provided a little extra muscle when she needed it. As much muscle as a skinny twenty-year old could provide, at least.

“No! I’m just suggesting that it wouldn’t be a bad idea!” she said, suddenly indignant. "But whatever, I'll go up on my own if you're too much of a wuss!"

“Calm down,” I said with a chuckle. “I’ll go. This place _is_ a little crazy. It would be a shame if you got kidnapped and roasted on a stick.”

  



	2. Questions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we explore the Universe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is gonna be fun, so buckle up.

I knocked on the door with a sigh. It was a simple wooden screened door, and although I could hear some faint chiptunes, probably from a video game or something, I couldn’t see anybody inside.

And then I heard a voice.  
“Coming!

It was a kid’s voice, a little boy from the sound of it. And surely enough, a young boy came into a view a minute later. He ran over to the door and opened it with a smile. His black hair was scruffy and uncombed, and he had a bit of sand in his hair, but he looked healthy enough, if a little large. He gave us a big grin when he saw us. He was dressed in a faded red t-shirt with a bright star adorning the front of it, and some shorts completed the look.  He held the door and stepped back, waving an arm. “Come in, please!”

I stared. “Uh...didn’t your parents ever tell you not to let in strang-”  
Gwen cut me off with an elbow in my ribs.

“I mean...uh, thanks.” I stepped inside. The house seemed nice, if a bit of a mess. Kitchenware was piled up in the sink, and a few dirty red shirts were lying about in various places.

“I’m Steven!” he said excitedly. “What do you need?”

“Are your parents here?” Gwen asked with a cheerful smile.

“You mean the Gems?” he said slowly. “No, they’re off on a mission. They’ll be back. They told me it’d be a long one. They should be back soon though.”  
Gwen pursed her lips. “Well, how long have they been gone?” she asked, concerned.

Steven thought for a minute. “Well...they left on Tuesday, so...that’s...hmm...” He paused. “A week? Why, do you need them?”

Gwen’s eyes went wide with horror. “A week! You’ve been alone for a week!?”

I looked over at the kitchen area again. That’d explain the dishes.

Steven just nodded. “Yeah. They’re not normally gone this long, though. It was an important mission. Pearl made sure I had all the emergency numbers memorized before they left”

Gwen turned to me, and waved me closer. I leaned in. “I’ve seen this before. I don’t think they’re coming back…” she said in my ear.

I nodded. “But he _is_ saying they’ll be back soon…”

“Uh..guys?” Steven said. “What do you need?”

I cleared my throat. “Oh. Uh, we just need to talk to your parents, Steven…what’s your last name?”  
Steven looked at me thoughtfully. “It’s Universe.”

Me and Gwen shared a look of disbelief as Steven continued. _There's no way..._

“Do you mean the gems? Or my dad? Cause my dad’s down at the car wash. You can talk to him if you want. But the gems are supposed to be back in a few hours…”

“Thanks, Steven. We’ll be going now, but we’ll be back soon.” I said as I started back towards the door.

Gwen shot me an angry look as we left.

“What was that!?” she shouted. “We need to get him out of here! He’s been living alone for a week!”

I shrugged. “He said that the ‘jens’ or...or whatever, are gonna be back in a few hours. In the meantime, let’s go see his dad. See what’s going on with this kid. If we come back later, and he’s still alone, we take him with us.”

 

* * *

 

We found his dad at the car wash. He didn’t look like much. Sunburnt. Shaggy hair, but only along the back of his head, strangely enough. Older. He was hosing off a brightly painted old van as we drove up, dressed in torn shorts and a wifebeater. His beard was shaggy and unkempt. He looked like he was homeless.

“Sir?” Gwen was out of the van as soon as we stopped.

His eyes were tired and unfocused, but they widened as soon as he saw our uniforms “Oh jeez.” he muttered.  He came close, and it was clear from the smell that he hadn’t showered in quite some time.

“Sir, are you the father of a boy named Steven? Steven ‘Universe’?” Gwen asked him.

“Yep, that’s me! Greg Universe!” Something about the name sounded familiar, but I couldn’t place it. “Why?” he asked. “Something wrong?”

Gwen scowled. “Are you aware that your child has been home alone for a full week?”

I recoiled a bit at her tone. She sounded about the same as she did when I turned up late with the van.

Mr. Universe’s eyes widened even further. “Uh...yeah? I visited him yesterday, and he seemed fine. Did something happen?”

“No,” Gwen said. “He’s fine. Where have you been for all of that?”

The man shrugged. “I’ve been here at the carwash. I sleep in my van.”  
“Sir, are you not seeing a problem with leaving your kid unsupervised for a full week?” There was a bit of snark in Gwen’s voice as she said the words.

He shrugged. “I mean, Steven’s fourteen. He can take care of himself pretty well. If he had any trouble he’d come get me. And he lives with the gems. I don’t normally watch him.”

At that I shook my head.  _There's no way that kid is fourteen. Twelve, tops._

“There’s that word again. Gems. Who are these ‘gems?’” she asked slowly.

The dad pursed his lips. “Well, they’re kinda immortal aliens who protect the Earth from dangerous monsters. They’re, uh, living rocks, kinda? It’s hard to explain. I’m sure that they could-”

Gwen cut him off. “Save your ramblings.” She got back in the van. “This guy is clearly raving. Leaving a kid alone for a week...what was he thinking? Let’s go get the kid. Before he burns his house down or something...”

  



	3. Struggle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Joshua learns that his time at the gym was all for naught.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a ton of fun to write.

I followed after Gwen as she stomped her way up the house’s stairs, muttering under her breath the whole way. 

“Gwen? You alright?” I asked her cautiously. She looked back at me, her eyes burning with the fires of hell, and I paused. “Alright. Not okay. Got it.” 

Messing with Gwen when she was angry wasn’t a good idea. And boy, was she angry. She hated seeing children neglected. Parents leaving a kid alone for a week? Definitely something that ticked her off. 

She knocked on the door loudly, and and I swear the house shook.  
“Coming!” came Steven’s voice. He came running up to the door, throwing it open not even a second after we’d knocked. The boy wore the same cheerful smile as he’d had earlier. “Still need to talk to the Gems? Garnet said that they’d be back around six, so they should be back in just a minute…” he was babbling excitedly, no doubt happy to have company.

I sighed, and took a deep breath.  _ This is gonna be rough _ , I thought to myself. Taking a kid with us was never an easy thing.

And then I paused. “Gwen? Do you smell that?”

She froze, sniffing the air. She raised an eyebrow. “Is that…lasagna?”

Steven beamed. “Yep! Five layers! Do you want some? I started it right after you left! It’s still in the oven, but it should be ready soon.”

I whistled. Kid didn’t look more than eleven, and he was already making five-layer lasagna? This boy had some skills. It smelled amazing.

“You’re making an entire lasagna for yourself?” I asked carefully.

The boy nodded slowly. “Well, Lion is gonna have whatever’s left.”

Gwen looked at me with a confused expression. I returned a shrug. 

“Lion?” she asked. 

“Yeah! Lion! He’s...well, he’s my pet lion!” Steven exclaimed cheerfully.

I smiled and rolled my eyes. Most kids his age had given up on imaginary friends.

But we couldn’t chitchat all night.

Gwen sighed, her green eyes mellowing out a bit. She swept one of her curls back out of her face. “Steven? I think you’re gonna have to come with us…” she started. “You see, we can’t leave you here like this. Home alone for a week? That’s not normal. It’s not safe!”

Steven tilted his head, uncomprehending. “Oh. No, I can’t leave. The gems are about to be back, and if I leave now the lasagna will burn.” 

I stepped in. “Well, Steven, we’re with Delmarva’s Family Services department. We make sure kids are taken care of and well treated. And we can’t just leave you here. So you’re gonna have to come with us, okay?”

Steven frowned. “Well, I AM well treated. The Gems have always taken care of me.”  
Next to me Gwen rolled her eyes, remembering the loony tales that the man at the carwash had been ranting about. “Well, the ‘gems’ aren’t here right now, so you’re gonna have to come with us.”

Steven shook his head. “I’m sorry, but I think I’ll be fine…” 

Gwen bit her lip. “C’mon, buddy. We’re not gonna hurt you or anything. Everything will be okay.”

“I believe you, but I still think I should wait for the Gems.” he said slowly. He took a step away from the door, and I moved forward.   
“Pal, trust me...Don’t make this more difficult than it needs to be. We just want to help you.” I said as calmly as I could. 

Gwen stepped up and grabbed onto his shoulder firmly. Steven didn’t move, but his face went from a smile to a decided frown. 

“Come on, buddy, let’s just-” Gwen started. Then she froze. Taking her hand off him, she stepped back and looked towards me, her eyes wide.   
I leaned in close. “What’s the matter?” I whispered.

“I can’t move him!” she hissed back. 

Steven put his hands on his hips. “I’m not going anywhere until I talk to the Gems. After they get here, I’ll go wherever you want.” he said carefully. Then he put a hand to his chin. “Well, I guess I’d have to ask Pearl first.”  
  
Rolling my eyes, I stepped up to him. _Can’t move an eleven year old, Gwen? Heh. Guess somebody needs to hit the gym._

I put a hand under his arm and tugged him towards the door. I couldn’t budge him. He could’ve been a freight train for all that I moved him. 

My mouth fell open. “What in the world?” 

I put both hands on his arm and tugged. He remained firmly planted in place. He didn’t seem surprised, either. He tugged his arm out of my grasp easily. 

“I told you,” he said with just a touch of anger. “I’m not going anywhere until the Gems get back. If you want, you can have some lasagna, but only if you stop touching me.” He sounded like a mother scolding her child.

I tried to grab him under his arms, where he couldn’t pull away. He gave me a small shove, and I staggered backwards from the sheer force of it. Gwen laughed.

I landed on my butt on the porch. I stood back up, narrowing my eyes as I heard Gwen losing it. “Hey! It’s not my fault,” I said angrily. “This kid’s strong! Like…” I looked over him again. “Like...inhumanly strong…How..How did you..”

I couldn’t understand it. He was just a kid. A big kid, but still just a kid. 

Steven just crossed his arms. 

_ That’s it, _ I thought to myself.  _ If we have to drag him to the van, we will. _

“Gwen, take him by his right arm. I’ll get his left.” I stepped closer, and Steven’s eyes widened as she moved in from his side. 

 

And that was when the lion appeared.


	4. Death is Pink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we meet a rather flamboyant Grim Reaper

We were just about to grab Steven when we heard the roar. And by ‘heard’, I mean  _ felt _ . It was LOUD. I felt my stomach drop as I heard it, and both me and Gwen immediately turned towards the door we’d come through.

Had it been a normal lion, we would’ve been terrified. But it was something even worse.

It was a  _ pink _ lion, staring at us from the door with malice in its eyes.

I froze. Its eyes were a glowing white, and I felt a chill race down my spine as its piercing gaze locked onto my face.

It stepped into the house slowly, crouching into a fighting stance. I was still frozen, too scared to move. In retrospect, I should’ve moved quicker, grabbed Steven and gotten him to safety. At the time, however, my mind was a blazing streak of thoughts, mostly summed up with  _ OhGodOhGodImGonnaDieIveSeenDeathAndHesPINK _

Gwen snapped me out of my paralysis. Grabbing me by the wrist, she yanked me off to the side, sprinting up a small set of stairs up towards a bed that I could only assume was Steven’s. I stumbled after her, falling all the way up the stairs. My legs were cold, numb with fear. 

Once we got to the top, I fell to the floor, spinning around to face the door. Steven took a step towards the lion, who stepped closer, his eyes still glowing a eerie white. 

“Steven! Run!” Gwen yelled. 

Steven did not run. In fact, he stepped closer to the lion, slowly extending a hand. He was murmuring something under his breath as he moved closer in, nearly touching the lion’s heart shaped nose. The lion’s eyes laid on us and us alone. It was almost ignoring the boy entirely,

“Josh!”  Gwen shouted. “We gotta get the kid away from that thing!”  
Steven didn’t take his attention off of the fluorescently colored lion. He started to gently rub the beast’s nose, which didn’t seem to have much of a result.

There was a small window next to the bed, and I opened it up slowly. It was a decent drop down to the wooden porch below, but I felt like I could probably make it.

“Okay,” I said. “You grab the kid, I’ll get the van! Go!”

Gwen nodded, and rushed down the stairs. I grabbed onto the window frame and slowly climbed over. I hung from the ledge for a minute, steeling myself for the drop. And then I let go.

_ Okay, I’m falling, falling, this can’t hurt that bad can- _

_ Ow. _

I hit the wood with a solid thunk, my feet giving out as soon as I hit the ground. Landing in a heap on the porch, I quickly rolled over and stood up, trying to make my way down the stairs and towards the van before the lion started eating people.

_ Gotta get to the van Gotta get to the van Gotta get to the- _

And that was when an ear-splitting roar echoed through the air. Before I’d even had a chance to process it, something very large and very heavy hit me in the back, sending me tumbling down the stairs. 

The world turned into a blur as I fell, and I ate more than a few stairs on my way down. Thankfully, the wet, salty beach air had taken a toll on the planks, and they had a bit of give to them as I met them with my face. 

I finally hit the sand face-first, only to have something else land on my back as soon as I was stopped. It was heavy and groaning in a very Gwen-like fashion, and it knocked whatever air I’d managed to take in right back out of my lungs.

After a moment of lying on the ground in pain, I remembered the  _ freaking LION _ and stumbled back to my feet, shrugging Gwen off of my back. She looked up at me with dull eyes, and she mumbled something I couldn’t hear.

“What?” I asked, concerned.

“The lion...can roar...sonic booms.” she said slowly.

_ Oh great. She’s concussed. _

I grabbed her by the wrist and started dragging her towards the van, glancing behind me as I went. The lion was still inside the house, probably eating Steven and his five-layer lasagna. Still, I was in no shape to fight a lion. And honestly?

With that kid’s strength, his odds were pretty good.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm enjoying this, and I hope you are too! I know a lot of people are iffy about OC's in Steven Universe. OC's can be tough to write, and you have to make sure they're their own characters. Mary Sues are annoying, and can kill a good writing pretty easily. I know what I'm doing, I hope. And if I don't? Tell me what I'm doing wrong! Let me know of any problems or mistakes you find! Stories are an experience, for the listener and the storyteller. Communication is important!


	5. Indigestion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which a family of Illegal Aliens is discovered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wrote this in a rush. Probably has some mistakes. I'll edit them. In the meantime, enjoy.

“I’m telling you,” I said. “We need to get animal control or something! We can’t go back yet! It’s only been an hour! That lion is probably still there!”  
Gwen sighed. “We gotta go make sure Steven is okay. If he’s hurt because we left him…” she looked down sadly. She would never forgive herself. “Plus,” she continued, “Animal control wouldn’t believe me when I said that there was a magical pink lion on the loose!”

At that, I could only shake my head. “ _ Magical _ ? I doubt it. Probably fell into like, pink hair dye or something. Or ran away from the circus.” 

“He roared loudly enough to send me flying down a flight of stairs.” she said angrily

“Well…” I thought for a minute. “Maybe that’s just what you  _ think _ happened. Maybe he just roared, and you stumbled or something. Concussions can do crazy things to you.”

She slammed her hand into her face. “I WAS INSIDE THE FREAKING HOUSE.”

I shrugged. “Maybe you stumbled  _ really _ far.” 

“Drive us back there.”

“It’s not safe. You’re concussed.”  
“I’m FINE.”

“It’s night now. There’s no lights on the beach. We’ll drive into the ocean.”

“The van’s headlights work just fine.”

“Still don’t wanna go.”

“Just DRIVE you wuss!” she shouted.

I sighed. I had no choice. If I didn’t, she would probably rip off my arm, beat me to death with it, and then feed it to the lion.

 

 

* * *

 

As we approached, it became clear that  _ someone _ was alive inside the house. All of its lights were on, and I could hear muted conversation inside. 

Gwen shushed me as I got out of the van, and we went up the steps carefully. As we approached the house, Steven’s voice became apparent.  
“-and one of them had brown curly hair, and she seemed kinda mean. And then the other one had like, blond hair, I think? And a little bit of a beard. He seemed nice. He seemed really impressed by my lasagna.”

I looked over at Gwen with a smirk before peeking over the top step. I could just barely see Steven through the screened door. He was talking to...someone. I couldn’t make them out, as they were out of view of the door. Slowly, I lowered my head back down and turned to face Gwen. 

“Can you see who he’s talking to?” she asked, her voice a low whisper.

“No,” I said. 

She pursed her lips, thinking. “Can you see the lion?” 

I shook my head.

“Look again.”

After giving her a nod, I peeked back up.

“They said me being alone wasn’t safe, and then they tried to drag me out into their van. And then Lion showed up. He was kinda mad, and I tried to calm him down, but then he-”

I slowly peeked up a little more, trying to see throw the window

“Ooh! There they are right now!” Steven said, pointing at me.

I quickly straightened up, Gwen right beside me, and approached the door. “Hello?!” I said loudly, as if I hadn’t just been eavesdropping on them. 

A woman came to the door. _His mother_?  I wondered.

However, as I got a better view at her, it seemed kinda unlikely. The first thing I noticed was that she was  _ tall. _ Easily a full head taller than me. Her skin was on the darker side, and her eyes were hidden behind some rather intimidating shades. Her outfit was an eighties nightmare, complete with shoulder pads and weird asymmetric patterns of purple and pink. On top of that, she an an afro the size of Steven.

She stood at the door for a moment, staring us down, before she finally opened it. 

“Go away.” she said slowly. Her voice had an accent to it. British?

Gwen pushed ahead. “I’m afraid I can’t do that, ma’m.” she said with authority. “I’m with the Family Services department of Delmarva. Are you aware that this child was left alone for a full week? There was a dangerous animal here earlier!”

The woman remained motionless.

“If you don’t answer me, I’ll be back here with a group of cops, and we WILL  take that child with us. In the state of Delmarva, we take child abuse seriously. We do not tolerate neglect like that.” Gwen went on and on, verbally blasting the woman, until suddenly:

“Stop!” 

Her voice carried authority with it, and Gwen shut her mouth.

“Good. Now come inside.” the woman turned and walked out of view.

I stepped up to the door, and then looked over at Gwen for guidance. I didn’t normally do house calls. I was nervous. 

She nodded.

And so I opened the door and stepped inside. 

The lion was nowhere in sight. What  _ was  _ in sight, however, was almost equally as odd. Two women were sitting up on Steven’s bed, one of them  _ purple _ and the other one with a spectacular white stone on her head. Steven himself sat on the floor next to them, watching us with a frown.

The one with the shades stood near the stairs,leaning against the wall causally. “Pearl,” she said. “Tell them what you told us.”

One of the women stood up. Nearly as tall as the other one we’d met, she wore a beautiful blue shirt, yellow shorts, and a lacy-looking blue ribbon around her waist. Her pink hair somehow came to an impossible point, and I knew that she surely went through a  _ ridiculous  _ amount of hairspray. All of that seemed fairly normal when compared to the milky, pink-white rock that adorned her forehead. The other woman remained seated. She was on the shorter side, wearing a white sleeveless shirt and black sweatpants. She would’ve been fairly normal too, had she not been  _ purple _ .

The tall, pale woman spoke. “I understand you’re with Delmarva’s Family Services?”

We both nodded.

“Well, you might as well leave. This temple is not United States property. We’ve been living here since before this country was founded. This piece of land was never purchased by the United States government, and we made a deal with your country’s founders to keep it that way.  This is a sovereign Gem territory. Your laws don’t apply here. Now, please, go away.”

I raised my eyebrows.  _ What. _

“Wha-...Well-” I tried to think of a proper response. 

Gwen stepped in before I could. “Well, first off, how the hell were you ALIVE when this country was founded?”

The woman, Pearl, I assumed, frowned. “Excuse me, but you don’t need to use that kind of language around Steven. He’s only fourteen.”

Gwen opened her mouth to argue, but the woman continued. “We’re the Crystal Gems. We’ve been on this planet for thousands of years, protecting humanity. We’ve spent the last week on a dangerous mission deep underground dealing with the remnants of Homeworld’s underground data-storage archives. I  _ responsibly _ ruled that it was much too dangerous for Steven, and so he’s had to stay here.”

“Oh great.” I looked at Gwen. “These ones are nuts too.”

That was when Steven stood up. “They’re not nuts! They’re Gems! And my family!” 

I sighed.

He continued. “And that animal wasn’t dangerous! He’s Lion, my pet. He was only protecting me because you were trying to take me away!”

The purple one pumped a fist. “Yeah! Tell ‘em Steven!” At least she had enthusiasm. 

“Look, we’re official government workers. Steven is going to come with us, and there’s going to be an investigation. After that, whatever happens, happens. But in the meantime, I don’t feel like this boy is safe in the hands of you crazy...crazy…” she sputtered, lost for words. “You LUNATICS!”

At that, the lady called ‘Pearl’ rolled her eyes. “Do you want PROOF that we are who we say we are?”

Me and Gwen both nodded.   
And that was when she pulled a spear out of her face. It all happened very suddenly. One moment, she was talking normally, and then her face glowed, and _boom_ , spear. It was a long weapon, light blue in color, and she twirled it in-between her fingers as if it were a baton.

“Is that enough proof?” she asked.

Gwen took a tentative step back. I stepped forward. “I’ve been to magic shows before! You...you had it up your sleeve, or something…”

She gestured to her bare arms. “I don’t have sleeves.”

“It doesn’t matter!” I said. “That doesn’t prove anything. And we’re not threatened by you, or your weapons, so-”

The one with the shades spoke again. “Stop.” 

I did. 

“This has gone on long enough. We aren’t humans, and we don’t have to follow your laws. Neither us, nor Steven, have to obey any of your rules. Steven is safe here. Now.  _ GO. AWAY.” _

Gwen immediately started back up. “Ma’m, you don’t seem to understand. This boy is coming with us, and there’s not a thing you can do to stop u-”

She stopped suddenly, and I saw why.

The purple lady had turned into a large dog. And not a cute one, either.

It looked almost like a german shepherd, only maybe a little larger. And purple. 

_ What is with us and oddly colored animals? _ I wondered.

The purple dog stared us down, and Gwen stood stock still, silent.

The dog started to growl, long, and low, and I shook Gwen’s shoulder. “Uh, Gwen, I think we should go.”

Gwen seemed to come to her senses. “Not without the boy.” she said back.

The large lady with the glasses raised her fists, and in a flash of light, they were suddenly coated with a pair of massive spiked gauntlets. Each one looked at least the size of my head, and from her massive frame, I got the feeling that she could definitely use them.  
“Gwen, we should DEFINITELY go.” I pleaded. 

And then the dog leapt towards us with a snarl.

We ran. The dog-woman-”Gem”-thing chased after, barking and nipping at our heels. I stumbled down the stairs, practically dragging Gwen by the wrist. Thankfully, I’d left the van’s driver side door open, and I quickly jumped inside and threw the door shut, Gwen in the seat beside me. A flash of light came flying from the darkness behind us, and as it whistled overhead I realized it was a spear. 

_ MyDeathIsFinallyHereAndItsEvenWorseThanTheLion. _

Cranking the van’s engine on, I threw it into drive and peeled out of there as fast as I could.

“Drive! Drive!” Gwen shouted next to me. Another spear flew over the van, just narrowly missing the hood. 

“What the hell is going on!?” I yelled in desperation.

Gwen was slightly calmer. Slightly. “I don’t know, just GO!”

After a moment or two, we pulled back onto the main road, the house safely out of sight. I parked the van in the donut shop’s parking lot, breathing heavily.

“What in the hell was that?” I asked her.“Was she  _ throwing spears at us _ ?”

She shrugged, her eyes wide. “I’m slightly more concerned about the woman who turned into a  _ freaking dog! _ ” she yelled.

“Am I on drugs?” she questioned. “Did you spike my coffee? Am I hallucinating?”

“I don’t know!” I said back. “But if you’re on drugs, I am too, and they’re pretty good ones, cause this is real as shi-” 

The van bounced suddenly. I heard a thump on the roof.

“Gwen. What’s that?” I asked.

She glared at me. “I don’t know! Get out and look!”

I looked over at my window, and I saw a face staring back at me upside down.

“AAHH!” I yelled. It was the purple girl.

“DRIVE!! DRIVE!!” Gwen shouted. I threw the van into drive, pulling out of the parking lot and down the dark boardwalk, but it was too late. The woman was already on the roof. I heard the sound of tearing metal, and I looked behind me. The roof of the van was slowly disappearing. White teeth were tearing plate sized chunks from it, and  _ swallowing them whole. _

I swerved hard, and heard a distinct squeal as she went sliding across the roof. 

“Is she gone?” Gwen asked. I shrugged. I checked my mirrors. I couldn’t see her...but…

I also didn’t see her fall off. 

Then I saw it. In my side mirror. A faint, shadowy form, hanging from my bumper. I slammed on the brakes, hard. She didn’t budge. Somehow, she seemed to be holding on with her  _ teeth _ . 

“Gwen! Hold on!” I yelled.

“Hold on?” she asked. “Why the hell would I hold oo-ooooooooooaaaahhh!” her words turned into a scream as I put on the E-brake and threw the wheel sideways. 

_ PleaseDontFlipPleaseDontFlipPleaseDontFlip _

As we spun to a stop, I watched the woman go flying off the boardwalk and into the ocean, laughing maniacally the whole way.

* * *

  
I turned off the van, and flopped back into my seat. The van was silent, save for mine and Gwen’s heavy breathing. A cold draft came through the massive hole in the ceiling. We sat like that for a few moments, each of us trying to figure out the raw _absurdity_ of what’d just went down.

 

Then I spoke. “Hey, Gwen?”

“Y-yeah, Josh?”

“Can you get out and look at the bumper?”

“Why?” she asked.

“I think she might’ve taken a bite out’ve it.”


	6. Hiking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I did not write nearly enough.

“We can’t go back there.” I said shakily. “ _ I am never going back there. _ ”

Next to me, Gwen scoffed. “They still have that kid.”

“WE ALMOST DIED!” I pointed out. “They nearly killed us!”  The whistle of the blue spear as it passed over us was still echoing in my ears. Alternatively, it could’ve just been the wind blowing through the massive holes in the van.

Gwen pointed a finger in the air, as if I’d proven her point. “And that’s why we have to go get the kid. They’re too dangerous!” 

I grinded my teeth angrily. “Gwen, for once, stop thinking about the children. Think about  _ our lives _ . These...magical women...they’re clearly dangerous! And the kid too! He practically threw me across the room with one hand! Just give it up!”

But she wasn’t having it. “I’m never gonna give up on a kid, Josh. I can’t.” she said slowly. “Also, if we tried to quit on a case, we’d be fired. We gotta do this, Josh.”

 

I let out a long sigh. 

 

_ Its official. This job is gonna kill me. _

 

* * *

__  
  


“Okay,” I said. “I have a plan.” 

Honestly, it was less of a plan and more of a set of guidelines, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me.   
  


“We’ll stake ‘em out for today. Watch to see what they do. Then, when the murderous women are gone, and there’s no lions in sight, we swoop in, take the kid, and get the hell out of here.” I finished my plan with a triumphant smirk.

  
“And what if they just decide not to leave the kid alone anymore?” Gwen asked with a slight hint of snark in her voice.

 

I thought for a moment. “Then...we’ll get the police and have them provide protection.”

 

Gwen nodded. “Whatever. Worth a shot, I guess. Drive us over towards that donut place. We can park there, and walk down to the beach. Investigate a little.”

 

A few minutes later, we found ourselves locking the van doors and hiking down to the beach. We walked around the base of the cliff, slowly making our way around towards the statue that laid on the other side. I felt sand start to fill my shoes as we walked, and for a moment I contemplated if I was being underpaid.

The answer was yes, of course. But I continued nonetheless.

As we approached, I started to hear distant clashing and clanging, like someone banging two pots together.   
I pointed in the direction of the house. “Get down, and stay quiet. Something’s going on over there.” I said to Gwen in a hushed voice. We both hunched over as we came around the side of the cliff. 

I crouched down behind a rock as I surveyed the area. Gwen ventured a little further around the side, and I saw her go stiff.   
“What is it?” I asked in a whisper.

She waved me closer.

As I looked around the corner, I can honestly say that I saw what I _least_ expected to see.  
Steven, it would seem, had a friend. 

Steven’s friend, it would seem, had a very large sword.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is indeed just a tease. More will come shortly, do not worry.


	7. Of Swords and Shields

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which we meet the world's smallest lawyer.

  
  


The girl  _ looked _ nice enough. Indian, possibly. She had cute little glasses, and a nice little collared shirt.

No, the massive pink sword that she was wielding was what scared me. It was almost as tall as she was, and it shone in the sunlight, glinting and flashing as she swung it with ease. 

And Steven...I knew that I said that the kid was dangerous. Little did I know how right I was. He wore a round, pink shield on his arm, and he used it like he’d been using it all his life.

It was almost like a dance. A very fast, very dangerous, very  _ graceful  _ dance. The blade would flicker through the air, almost too fast to see, and it would be deflected with the shield. A spinning thrust was parried with the edge of the pink shield, and Steven spun quickly, throwing the weapon like a disc. It flew fast, too fast for me to track, and I saw sparks fly as the girl batted it away with an expertly done stroke.

Gwen was standing next to me, as entranced as I was. I heard a soft “Wow” as she stared, almost hypnotized.

They boy caught the shield as it rebounded back to him, and she leapt forward, her blade turning into to a pink blur with a flurry of powerful strikes. Blocking blow after blow, Steven rolled to the side, out of reach, and then back up to his feet. Then he stood still, facing her with a...smile? It was hard to tell from our distance, but he certainly  _ seemed  _ like he was beaming. The shield back on his arm, he seemed to wave her forwards. The girl charged, raising the pink sword over her head. And then, as it came down…

  
A pink light burst from him, and she went sailing backwards. I squinted. Steven appeared to have some kind of _pink bubble_ around him. She’d bounced off like a tennis ball on a trampoline, landing flat on her back with a small  _poof_ in the sand.

She remained unmoving.

Me and Gwen both leaned in, sweating with excitement.

The girl burst into laughter.

_ What in the world is going on he- _

And then  _ he  _ burst into laughter.

The bubble disappeared, and Steven ran forwards,approaching the girl, taking her by the hand and helping her to her feet.

 

Me and Gwen simultaneously ducked back out of view.

“ _ What was that!?”  _  Gwen said excitedly. “It was  _ awesome! _ ”

I nodded.  _ Awesome _ was a pretty fair assessment.

“But,” she said. “It was  _ incredibly  _ dangerous.”

That too, was a pretty fair assessment.

“These kids are good, that’s for sure.” I said thoughtfully. They both acted like they’d been doing that for years. “Wonder if that’s his girlfriend.” If so, that kid was either very lucky, or very unlucky.

Gwen nodded. “Well, either way, I’m pretty sure that having kids engage in deadly combat is against Delmarva’s child safety laws.” she said with just the slightest hint of disapproval.

 

“And  _ I’m  _ pretty sure you guys are illegally trespassing on private property, after being asked to leave many times.” said a young voice behind us.

_ The girl! _

We both spun around to face her. She pushed her glasses up on her nose, the massive sword leaning on her shoulder. How she was even able to carry it, I had no clue.

“Uh, excuse me, young miss, bu-” Gwen started. The girl cut her off instantly.

“Are you with Delmarva’s family services department?”

“Yes, actually, and I have som-” Gwen was once again cut off as the girl spoke again.

  
“Are you aware that it’s illegal for you to be here? According to Delmara state law, you’re not allowed to be here unless you have evidence that a child is in danger of immediate physical or mental harm, or have already agreed upon a meeting time with a parent or guardian.” the girl said. She spoke like a lawyer. I wasn’t sure if what she was saying was exactly accurate, but it sure _ sounded _ accurate. 

 

_ Oh god. She’s like a tiny Gwen with a sword.  _

 

I noticed that Steven was standing behind her, and he was still wearing the pink shield on his arm.

 

Gwen’s eyes widened. “Well, uh, speaking of parents and guardians, where’s yours, young lady? Because what you two were just doing was most definitely evidence of  _ something.”  _

 

The girl shook her head. “Actually, since you’re here illegally, you can’t use anything you’ve seen here as legal evidence. If you do, you’ll have to admit to trespassing in the third degree. And in Delmarva, that can be punished with a year and jail and a fine of two-thousand dollars.” 

 

I clenched my fist. I was pretty sure that was true. And even if it wasn’t, I doubted that anyone would believe what we’d seen. I decided to try a different route. 

“Uh? Excuse me. I’m just wondering. Everything you’re saying is true, but I just wanna know something. Is Steven’s, uh, parents here?”

 

The girl looked at Steven, and he gave a little nod.

 

“They’re gone right now,” she said. “But they’ll be back shortly. And we  _ will _ be telling them you came here.”

  
“Well, uh, thank you, Miss…?.” I asked, hoping she’d give us a last name.

 

“Thank you too. Now, please leave, before I call the police.” 

 

Me and Gwen's eyes met, and for a moment I knew that we both were thinking the same thing.

_She know's what we're doing._   


"Uh, but first," I tried to stall. 

She shut me down. "I'm giving you until I count to three."

Gwen stepped in. "Come on, we're just here to help. We're with the government. We're the good guys. Trust us. We just want everyone to be happy, here."

But the girl just shook her head. "Stop trying to take Steven away and everyone  _will_ be happy!" 

"Now please...just go."

  
  
  
  



	8. Bureaucracy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which things start to heat up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting close to the close.

 

"Look, sir, we're gonna need help." I pleaded. 

Sergeant Carter didn't seem convinced.  "You're asking for four of my officers to travel thirty miles out of town to help you deal with...what, a bunch of pissed off sorority sisters? " he grumbled angrily 

He had a thick gray mustache that took up the majority of his face, and he grumbled his words without moving his mouth. It almost looked like the mustache itself was addressing us. 

"Sir, they were very dangerous-" I said quickly.  "They had a  _lion_ in their house."

Sergeant Carter looked at me like I'd lost my mind. 

 _Believe me pal, I felt the same way_.  

Gwen cut in. "Sergeant, they were armed to the teeth and own dangerous animals. We need to get this kid out of that house. When we arrived, he'd been alone for a WEEK. He doesn't attend school... Doesn't seem to have a birth certificate, even. He needs our help. You wouldn't let a kid suffer just to save fourty measly miles of gas money, would you?"

That seemed to do it. The older officer sighed. "I can spare three officers. They'll be ready to go at five when they get off duty..." 

I threw my fist up triumphantly, only for Gwen to shoot me a look. 

The police sergeant rolled his eyes but continued. "-anyways, just head down to the waiting room..." 

 

* * *

 

Interesting fact: the waiting rooms at the police station are designed to be as uncomfortable as possible.

I don't know that for a fact, but it HAS to be true. 

There's no way those awful, poorly cushioned metal seats were an accident.

As I watched the clock on the wall slowly tick towards five, I noticed Gwen getting increasingly antsy next to me. 

"Nervous?" I asked her

Flicking her brown curls out of her face, she turned to look at me. 

"No. Of course not. Just...ready for this to be over." she said quickly. 

We both knew that wasn't true, but I ran with it. 

"I dunno. Looking back on it, this whole thing has been kinda neat. These ladies are like, aliens or something... And that kid... And his _friend_... I dunno. " I shrugged slowly. "I almost don't want it to end. This is... New. Different. I like it a lot more than just sitting in the van while you serve house calls."

"Are you kidding me? " Gwen said. "We almost DIED!" 

I nodded. "Yeah, but this job is slowly killing us anyways."

Gwen conceded that point. 

The waiting room door opened.  Sergeant Mustache was back, along with three other officers who looked far less like Ambrose Burnside. 

And though Gwen was smiling, there was just one thought I couldn't shake. 

_...This isn't going to end well._


End file.
